I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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