the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
