Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We smell like vodka and hangover
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