you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
