What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
