Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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