I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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