it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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