You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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