When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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