I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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