I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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