My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
