Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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