Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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