I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
