non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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