and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
