she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
