there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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