My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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