so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We have so much sex to catch up on
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
