mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
