I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
