dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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