i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
