This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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