there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
