I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
