I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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