I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
