Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
