OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
