She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
