He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
