Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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