i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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