I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
