Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
