you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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