it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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