Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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