I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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