someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
