I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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