Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
