did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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