so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
