I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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