her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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