I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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