...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
