Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
