decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
