a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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